The Day the Music Died

Life is a journey and not the destination. I know that. And yet, I have raced and raced to meet the finish line over and over and over again this year only to find that the finish line keeps moving further and further from my sight until I have no end in sight. We go back to court soon. He is in contempt. My mom is dying. I work for Atilla the Hun.

I keep dancing faster and faster juggling balls in the air. Pushing the universe but it doesn't budge, now does it? Someone told me that they keep moving the cheese.

How well do I know that too?But I have pushed and I've danced and I have juggled and raced. But the music died. It just up and died.

I have ignored the little nuances and reminders to slow down. Stop juggling. Stop dancing. I didn't listen. So the music just died.

For the last month, I have seen the world through spots and sparkles. Strange floating sensations of worms and sperms in front of my vision. My lens to the world of meteor showers and shading. The music died.What am I afraid to face? What am I not seeing, to manifest such a haze. A fog to my lens on life?I struggle to see. I face myself. My fears.

Yet it doesn't go away so I turn to the medical field of referrals and optometrists. Of opthalmologists and the final destination, the retina guy and they laser my retina back on to my eye and they stop the hemorrhaging, the horseshoe, and the tear.

Lay in bed they say, until the weekend is over. But still the music is going on inside my head and I have TeenAngel drive me back to work to finish the day because my car is there and I work for Attila the Hun. Eyes dilated 5 times in one day and a surgery to the right eye. I refuse to listen. I continue to dance. Juggling balls in the air and dancing as fast as I can.But somewhere between the dusk and the dawn of the new day the music dies and you listen to the silence and you know. You simply know that you have danced too fast. You have juggled too long and you just need to listen to your own heartbeat because the music has truly died and you don't want to follow right behind it.

You spend the day on the couch. Flat on your back like the doctor ordered. Unable to see, unable to dance. Unable to juggle. You listen to the sounds of silence where the music lived. And you listen to the silence crashing down upon you like waves on the shore and you lie there waiting for the next shoe to drop. Until the evening when you can stand it no more and you dance the dance a little bit but leave soon because there is peace in the silence.The music has died but I have not. I face the fears and have seen the light. So much to say. The time is not now. It is time to sit in the silence. To heal and to feel. Go back into exile and back to the couch. The time is now to stop dancing. And rest. Repair. Oh my God, today is my anniversary. It is time to rest. To heal. To repair.

The day the music died.