Words You Cannot Say

So George Carlin had a list of seven dirty words that could never be spoken on television. I think that there was even a lawsuit about it. I am thinking that the list even got expanded. Words you should not, could not say. Words that often go tripping off your tongue like a tickle. Words that titilate, incite, cause a fracas. Words that you cannot say. Not on television.

sh*it
p*iss
f*uck
c*unt
c*ocksucker
motherf*ucker
t*its

Eventually I think there were more added, like:
f*art
t*urd
tw*at

I have no problem saying any of these. Not a bit. Sometimes even on purpose to get someone really going. To make a statement. To p*iss someone off. Really f*uck with them. Especially if they are acting like some old f*art.

But there is a word I cannot say. It is not on the list. You can say it on television easy enough. I can say it about ice cream. I can say it about gifts. I can say it about movies, handbags, children, books, or even about the day. I can clearly say, "I LOVE this day!"

I cannot say it out loud though about my feelings. Not about him. I think I even feel it. I think I really do. Don't want to jinx it. Probably too much baggage. I am thinking he has it too. Words you can say on television but not in the real world.

You can say it on television. It is not censored.

You can feel it. It is cannot be denied.

Can you say it? Not if you are me.

Does it Matter?

I am not sure that
I know what love is
seeing is that I doubt
that I am much good at it.

I do know that I know
is what total in like is
because I experience
it every day right now.

I do know I know
what having a great time is
because I am doing that
right now

Like a crazy teenager
with no self restraint
Off the deep end without a life jacket
so who cares anyway
since we are both adults?

And it remains unimportant
how long
this thing lasts
or if it will
because to tell you
the truth
I would rather one day
of this
than 9 years
of the previous shit
that "he" called love.

So no matter how
you dice it
slice it
or try to make some kind
of salad out of it
it remains a mystery
of the most exciting kind.

Each day a new surprise
of fun
infatuation
joy
excitement
and who knows what
up the road
or around the corner.

Giggly
Silly
Strong
weak
mysterious
joyful
prince
and princess
of fun.

Exploring all things
real
unreal
seen
and
unseen
to what end?
Does it matter?

Kissing Frogs

So sometimes you have to kiss
a lot of frogs
before you find a prince
and other times you
never find a prince
even then.

And then once in a
while someone just
happens in
when you least
expect it
and makes you laugh
like you have
never laughed before
and makes you feel
like you have never
felt before
and for that
time it becomes
magical.

And you are not worried
about how long it
will last
because maybe it will
not last more than
the next day
or maybe the next month
so you make no plans
on it
but for the time being
it is simply the way
it is supposed to be
and it just seems
like a little taste
of heaven.

Breathing In and Breathing Out

I'm not thinking that its morbid
death
More of a way of living
not of dying
and with each passing day
although I miss them
very much
I know it is about the
living right now
in the body
especially when
you believe that
today here
in the now
is only a blip
on the radar screen
of eternity
which is us.
Living in the connection
of all time
and all eternity
the things that
transpire are
simply little lessons
on the way
and I don't want
one little thing
to get in the way
of my eternity.

They say,
you know the ones
that have all
of the answers
or those who
have experienced
near death experiences
that your life
this one at least,
and maybe the ones
before it
flash across your
eyes and in the light
it is simply
just a minute
this one.

As it probably is
when you consider
eternity
whatever that is.

I am thinking
that I still
don't understand it.
Not fully
although I try
or at least embrace
that thought of trying.

Not fully attached
not unattached
just a little bit
of trying to
get it
You know?

And it does come
in waves
like the ocean
to the shore
and then retreats
back into the depths
of the ever present
ocean
deep within my soul
but I feel it
resonating in my spirit
so I know it is true.

Living in the connection
of all time
and all space.
All eternity
and all people
of the ancients
and the wisdom
that they bring
to the here
and the now.

Breathing in
and breathing out.
The wisdom of the ancients
in sacred breath.
The gift
that breath.
Of life
right now.

------------------------------------------------------------

For a Dancer
Jackson Browne

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I don’t remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought you’d always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you’re nowhere to be found

I don’t know what happens when people die
Can’t seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It’s like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can’t sing
I can’t help listening
And I can’t help feeling stupid standing ’round
Crying as they ease you down
’cause I know that you’d rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(there’s nothing you can do about it anyway)

Just do the steps that you’ve been shown
By everyone you’ve ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another’s steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you’ll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don’t let the uncertainty turn you around
(the world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you’ll never know

Counting Blessings

Counting blessings
something from someone
else's blog
and something that
i used to do
all of the time
every day
naming them off
like a ritual
and then stopped.

I still thank God
every morning for
this new day
and my sleep
and of course
my bed
that I no longer
share with my kid
but make up for
it by sleeping
with two cats
and a golden retreiver
Ahhhhhhhhh such is life.

But I do think about
just how lucky and
blessed I really am.
Not as often as I could
or should
but thankful for the little
things and gifts that
just happen
and know they are
far better than any
priceless jewels
or pearls.
Does anyone want to buy
that set of Tahitian black
pearls that I still have?
They ARE still available.

Acorns from my nephew
who sent them from
IL because I have been
missing them.

Buckeyes from the
neighborhood buckeye
tree from my neighbor
who went back to the
midwest to visit.
I didn't think I knew
what those were
and he thought of me
and brought back
some in a baggie.
Priceless gift,
the thought.

And that mommy
the other day
who was at a meeting
with her precious
little girl and wanted
to talk and also serve
herself some food.
She didn't know me
but gave me the honor
of holding that precious
little baby girl,
her infant child
and it was like a
little slice of heaven
holding that precious
life and soothing her
while mommy had a moment
to be a person
and not just a mommy.

And my own little
big girl who though
almost an adult
gives me pleasure
every day with the
sheer craziness of
what she does
and who she is.

Blessings.
Every day.
Big and small.
Miracles each.
Every day.
Given freely by
the universe
even when
unrecognized.
Blessings
none the same.

Untitled and uncensored

Life is strange
with humans in charge
and things that fit in
and those that fit out
and working for
Atilla the Hun
is like being on crack
without the initial
high, I imagine
although I have never
tried it.
Maybe more like riding
a roller coaster
without a seat belt
having eaten a hot dog
and a giant slurpee
right before you get in.

And the drama that
goes on in this place
is so incredibly amazing
that I wish there was
more testosterone
in the place
and not just the one guy
that someone said
that she wanted to
call his wife on
Thursdays, the day
he meets with Atilla.
She wanted to ask
his wife if he could
have his balls back
just on Thursday
if she would be so kind.

It's a crazy life
this early morning
til 6 in the evening
but it does take
my mind off of
other things.
The universe's way
of taking care of
unfinished business
or longing
I suppose.

I'm not complaining
I really am not
and I work with people
that while I haven't
even known them but
7 months
I know I have spent
at least a life time
before with.

So life is good
even though people
are leaving in droves
because who the hell
can work with
Atilla the Hun
unless they are paying
back some old karmic debt.
That must be me.
Of course I stayed
in a horrible marriage
until he threatened
to kill me
before I left
so I am not one
to jump the ship
without giving it
all I've got.
And then some
I suppose.

So tomorrow we bid
farewell to an old
and wonderful friend
who I knew even before
I started working there.
She moves on to
greener and gentler pastures
and we are hoping
that as she tends
to the sheep there
she will give a call
when they need more shepherds.

And I dream the dream
of a fight fought hard
and winning
and then leaving
because there is
just something about
leaving with unfinished
business that just
doesn't settle well
with me.
Although I have done that
and am still trying to
work all of that out.
No settlement completion
and no stained glass
forthcoming any time soon.

But you know my life
is good
it is what you make it.
And humor is the best
medicine anyone could
ever take
and we laugh alot there
in spite of it all.
And I laugh at my life
for the most part.
And cry when I need to.
And celebrate the highs
and the lows
because it all folds
in together
like a rainbow colored
ball of yarn
that you knit up
into your life
and unravel it
when it doesn't work out
only to knit it back up
again.

Life is good.
Pure and simple.
Knitting
and
Unraveling.
Unraveling
and
Knitting
until it comes out right.

Running on Empty

So life is strange
in so many ways
and I realize now
that I have done
everything in my
natural power
to delay the
grieving process.

Running on empty
and running away
trying to date
and work
and clean
and read
and teaching
an online course
for the community college
because I don't
want to sit still.

I'm not so sure
if running away
from me
has been successful
because in the stillness
of my own mind
and when you least
expect it.
You can expect it.

It hits like a
ton of bricks
with such overwhelming
power that you
know
You just know
that someone has
totally run you down
with a mack truck.

But you don't cry
because it seems
like that part
of you has dried up.
Moved on
Until you think
really think
about how much you
miss her
and
him.
And you just feel
like it is the
first time you heard
that.

And you can't move
Not forward
or backward
and you just want
to sit.
And watch Lifetime
or sit mindlessly
at the computer
for hours.

Your hair in a mess
in those flannels
and flip flops
hoping no one
comes to the door
because they would
never understand
just how low
you can go.
But you know.
You know.
You know.
And it comes
and you cry.